Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
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In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?