Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
You Might Also Like
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Haikus are silly.
Why seventeen syllables?
Why not one less?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.