Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger