boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
This cat wants you to take your pills
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about