Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat