Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card