Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

listen closely

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

The glockness monster

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.