Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.