Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy