Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Battery falling down a hole
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Social distancing in Australia:
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.