Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”