Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
