Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.