Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wrote a book on penguins.
Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”