Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

When I face a minor setback

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

reviewed some movies recently

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping