Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

*weighs self after shaving

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Green is just blue that someone peed in

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.