Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Holy crap this is wonderful
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
It’s a gift
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
whatcha thinkin bout
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.