Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”