Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

fair

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero