Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
#TopTip
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.