Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.