Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*