Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

step 6: release the wall snake

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape