Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.