Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.