Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

If a snake ate a cake

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”