Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.