Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

my mind

You just read my mind

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!