Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

I feel seen

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish