Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic