Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
What the hell happened here.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Cucumbers Anonymous
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.