Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
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I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
every man in east london
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying