Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Wednesday

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

🤣

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.