I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.
My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.
If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
son: she’s too heavy
Live today like it’s your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?