@Book_Krazy

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

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@CroweJam

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

@Shock_Monster

It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@CrockettForReal

You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.

If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

@DaddyJew

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

@RedRegenerated

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*