Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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Y’all know who you are.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
o shit
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.