Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.