Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head