Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Time for evil
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Strangers have the best candy.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.