Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
you’re damn right i have
