Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I am yelling
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
This is so me 😂😂
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great