Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
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people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Cha-ching is my safe word
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
