Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich