Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

Order here:
More here:

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

plums roundup

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?