Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pray every night that I never become religious…

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back