Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*