Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

#growingpains

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible