Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
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We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
me when i smell free food in the break room
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
