Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
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I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Do not levitate over flowers
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.