Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls