Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
You Might Also Like
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
The Others (2001)
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
i now pronounce you bounced.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief