Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmao

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Why do meteors always land in craters?

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?