boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
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Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
😏😏😏
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.