Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably