Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Me: how are you

Friday: good

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

out-housing market appears to be strong

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume