Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

the Monday after daylight savings

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*