BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
You Might Also Like
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
This tweet has been deleted
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.