Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

#dalle2

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.