Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

Leftovers are for quitters!

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Saw this yesterday lol

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

the short answer to this question

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting