Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

it is time once again

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on