Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”