Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

definitely did not do anything wrong

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

“No way.” -Jose

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

also my go-to takeaway order

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.