boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
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Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
we’re dead?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy