boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.