Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

My inexpensive home security system…

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.