BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver![]()
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if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
yeah not falling for this one
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
LMAO
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother