BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Oh hi lol
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: