BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.