@SteveSuckington

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

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@Sandrahadenough

I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!

@Book_Krazy

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

@stephenjmolloy

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

@hipsterocracy

People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.

@TheAlexNevil

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

@thenatewolf

Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.

Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”

@attsmcjay

I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.