I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
People shit on Columbus like they’ve never knocked on the wrong door and then murdered the people inside and lived there.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.
Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”
I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.