Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
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DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.