Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
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Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever