Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Bruh PLEASE

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”