Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.