BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless