BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Body by Oreos
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store