boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.