boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Pringles
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds