Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
🙋♀️
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.