Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?