boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Breaking news:
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Man these end times are taking forever
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.